The Newspaper
by Jumpshot25
Summary: Tahu and company read the newspaper and find out disturbing ratings on their attribute's. Now they must prove those midget Matoran wrong!
1. Chapter 1

This is a plot-bunny I received from Mazula. It was their idea, I just adopted it. So don't give me all the credit people.

Anyway, HUMANIZED Bionicle. It just fit this story better to me.

**Pairings:** Hmmm… mild Tahu/Gali, nothing beyond a few blushes and competing for attention.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own crap. It hurts.

_The Newspaper_

One day, on the island of Mata Nui, Tahu Mata opened the door to his hut. He reached down and reached for the newspaper he _thought _would be there, but it turns out that Kongu, the mailman, had once again thrown it way off course.

Tahu quickly located the newspaper, on top of his hut, and quickly retrieved it. Tahu then started walking to Le-Koro.

Tahu was the only one who bothered to subscribe to Mata-News Weekly, and of course the rest of the Toa wanted to mooch it off of him. So they agreed to always meet in Le-Koro and let Tahu basically read it to them.

Tahu finally reached Le-Koro and quickly found Lewa's hut. The Fire Toa knocked on the door. He waited. No-one answered. He knocked again, and no-one answered.

Finally, Tahu burned down the door and walked inside. And there was Lewa, still asleep, half-way hanging off of the bed. Tahu hit Lewa with his rolled up newspaper and watched with glee as Lewa half-yelled-half-shrieked and fell onto the floor.

"Lewa!" exclaimed Tahu. "You're _still _asleep?"

"I _was,_" replied Lewa. "At least until you hit-smacked me out of my sleep-dreams!" Tahu rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Gali and the others will be here soon, so, do whatever-it-is-you-do; you've already embarrassed yourself enough."

Lewa scrambled out of bed and threw on his green armor and ran into the kitchen. He yanked a box of Cheerios out of the cupboard and poured a bowl of cereal. He started eating it, but in Tahu's eyes, he was taking his sweet-little-time.

But before Tahu could start yelling at Lewa for being slow, Kopaka and Onua walked in. "Hey Onua," said Tahu. "And hello _Kopaka_."

"It's great to see you to flame-for-brains." Again, Tahu was about to explode, but Gali and Pohatu walked in through the hole-used-to-be-door. Tahu quickly composed himself and greeted them. "Hey Gali, Pohatu. You ready or what?"

With A nod, he opened the paper and began to read. "Okay, on the front page, it says… Toa Mata rankings? What in Mata Nui's name?" Kopaka looked his way. "Rankings? What does that mean?"

"According to this, each of us were rated on a scale of 1-10, 1 being the worst, 10 being the best, on different attributes and skills. Then an 'anonymous writer' commented on the results. Hm. Wanna check it out?"

"Sure," said Gali with a shrug. "What have we got to lose?" Tahu took a deep breath and mustered up all of his super-macho-manliness and began to read what would later be known as 'the worst thing in the history of the Universe'.

"Okay, this first one is on Strength. Lewa has a 4, Onua a 10, Pohatu an 8, I have a 9, Kopaka has a 7, and Gali has a 6."

Lewa did a spit take; his cheerios landing in Kopaka's bleach blond hair. "It says I have less strength than… than… _HER_!" Lewa spat. "That's not possible! Just because an Onu-Matoran can lift a Muaka cub and I can't does _NOT MEAN I'm WEAKER THAN GALI_!"

By then Tahu was on the floor laughing his head off. So far, this was pretty good. Lewa had a rant, Kopaka got Cheerios in his hair, and he had gotten the second highest strength rating, which was sure to earn points in Gali's eyes.

"I'm not finished," stated Tahu after Lewa was done ranting. "This 'anonymous writer' says, and I quote, 'Most of these ratings are correct, except that Tahu's rating is a little low in my eyes.

"And Gali's could have been a little higher, but Lewa's was _completely _accurate. Lewa once complained of being worn-out after carrying his mail about 10 steps from his house.'"

The expression on Lewa's face was nothing short of classic. It was a mixture of horror, anger, and disbelief. Pohatu, seeing a future blackmail opportunity, took a picture.

"B—bu-habba-habba-tooka-takka-wha?" Lewa stuttered.

"Okay," said Tahu. "Next up is… Speed. Is this a trick question? Anyway, Lewa has a 9, Pohatu has a 10, Onua has a 3, Kopaka has a 6, Gali has a 6, and I have a 7." Tahu looked for a reaction from Onua, but, sadly for this story, the Earth Toa had no reaction.

Tahu cleared his throat and began again. "The AW says, 'Why is Tahu ranked so high? He's pretty slow compared to Kopaka. They once had a race. They started. In the end, Tahu owed Kopaka 100 widgets. Long story short: he lost. By about 65 feet.'"

At this, Kopaka actually smiled, Pohatu broke out in laughter, Onua just grabbed an ice pop out of the freezer, Gali giggled, Tahu blushed to about the same shade of his hair, and Lewa shouted, "HURTS, DOESN'T IT!"

"I slipped on a questionable substance!"

"23 ½ times?"

"Let's move on, _shall we_?" growled Tahu. "Next up… oh god. Next up is… 'Attractiveness'." Lewa blinked. "What's Attratedacness?"

Tahu sighed. "Not, Attratedacness Lewa, its Attractiveness. It means… um… hmm… it means, how… 'pretty' you are."

Lewa smiled, happy he knew another big word. That made a total of 19! Tahu cleared his throat after that extremely awkward conversation and began to read. "Gali has a 10, I have a 7, Kopaka has a 9, Lewa has an 8.5, Pohatu has an 8, and Onua has a 2."

Onua spit out his ice pop. "WHAT! I'm not THAT ugly, am I?"

Pohatu cleared his throat. "Um, actually, Onua, I hate to break it to you, but…" A horrible scream was heard as the sound of a saw started up.

18 minutes later…

"Okay… since Pohatu is going to be in the hospital for the foreseeable future, let's read what the Anonymous Writer said. 'This isn't surprising at all. I mean, 5 sixths of our island is MALE, and like a fifth of them ALL CHASE AFTER Gali. And the Onua one is true, he is UGLY. Good thing he doesn't know who I am, heheheh.'"

Onua growled. He didn't mind the whole slow thing, but he wasn't THAT ugly, right? "Last one," said Tahu. "This one is on 'people skills'. Kopaka has a 1, I have a 6, Gali has an 8.6, Lewa has a 9, Onua has a 7, and Pohatu has a 10."

Kopaka looked up from his seat. "I'm not anti-social," he said. "Right guys?"

"Um… Kopaka… you kind of are." The next thing heard was a smack and a slash, along with a scream of pain from the resident Toa of Fire.

8 minutes later…

"Now that Tahu-friend's face is all bandaged-wrapped up, I say we make a play-game out of this."

"And just how would we do that Lewa?"

"We can all prove that we're better-good than what the ratings say! I would have to work on strength, Onua-friend on being-"

BZZZZ.

"-not good looking according to some, Kopaka-friend needs to work on his people-friend skills, Tahu will have to work on speed, and I'm sure Gali and Pohatu can find SOMETHING to work on! Well?"

"… Why not? What've we got to lose?"

"I'm up for a challenge."

"Mphh grrg tak-to."

"Tahu, don't try to talk. It's disturbing."

"Yay! Let's go!"

Ah, so optimistic. If only they knew…

X x X

Done! And next time we will start with Lewa. What chaos will ensue? Well, please review people!


	2. Chapter 2: Lewa

Okay! Next chapter up pretty quickly, eh? Anyway, don't expect this to be regular, back-to-back updates in days, but I'll try to update at least once a month. Oh, and mentions of Kopaka possibnly being gay (he's not), I thought it'd be funny, but don't get mad over it or something! Anyhow, I need to stop my rambling. Enjoy!

**Pairings: **Tahu/Gali, but nothing past blushes and competing for attention.

**Disclaimer: **I no own.

_The Newspaper_

_Lewa_

Tahu observed the big rock in front of Lewa. "Um," he said. "You're ABSOLUTELY sure you won't, you know, drop this and let it roll down the hill into Ga-Koro, right?"

Lewa looked at him. "Of course! Seriously Tahu-friend, you worry too much. Besides, you need to rest your face after ice-brother completely beat the slag-tar out of it!"

Tahu sighed. Yep, they were all going to die. "Just wait. Kopaka is wheeling Pohatu here on his wheelchair, and Gali had to go with Onua to make sure he didn't snap again."

Lewa nodded. "Okay."

Minutes later, Kopaka could be seen wheeling Pohatu up the hill. "Wow," remarked Tahu. "Onua really beat the snot out of you, huh?"

"Just you wait," growled Pohatu. "As soon as I get out of here, in, like, 6 months, I'm going to get you back!" Tahu chuckled.

A few MORE minutes later, Gali and Onua walked up the hill. Onua lunged at Pohatu, but suddenly he was frozen above the ground. "HEY! Kopaka, let me OUT!"

Kopaka snorted. "And let you KILL Pohatu? He may be overly-social, but he is an asset. Plus, I don't have my camera to record Pohatu's death."

"So, what I'm hearing is that when you DO have your camera, I can kill him?"

Kopaka pondered for a second. "It depends. Only if Pohatu knows the right price."

Pohatu's eyes widened. "DUDE! I don't hit for THAT team-"

Kopaka smacked the Stone Toa. "Not in THAT way, you idiot! I mean doing something EMBARRISING. Mata Nui, don't you people know I'm not gay?"

The other Toa looked sheepishly at each other. "Oh my god. Oh my GOD. No freaking way. No FREAKING WAY! I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR-"

"GUYS!" came a voice from the bottom of the hill. "I hate to cut you off, before Kopaka kills Tahu-"

"What? Why ME?"

"-but it's time for Lewa's 'show of strength."

"Takua? Why are YOU here?"

Takua blinked as he walked up the hill. "Duh, I'm the chronicler. I have to record everything that happens. Plus, I wouldn't miss this for the WORLD."

Lewa gulped. "Um… maybe I can wait until all you element-siblings are done?"

Tahu tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm… How about… maybe… no."

Lewa decided to pull out his ace in the hole. Nobody could resist it, it was full-proof! Lewa flashed his puppy eyes at Tahu. Tahu took a step back, shocked by the sudden show of cuteness. But he quickly shook his head, and focused instead on how what shade of red his armor was.

Lewa turned his attack on Pohatu, but the Stone Toa simply sent him a look that said, _Dude, I would help, but I have my own problems right now. _Lewa, however, would not give up. He sent his cuteness assault on Kopaka, who just stared back blankly.

Lewa turned to Onua. Onua's lip quivered slightly. It was working! He could not stand much longer. Onua sighed and used the only part of his body he could move- his head- to indicate Gali. _If anyone can convince him, it's Gali. _He mouthed.

Onua's mouthed words finally struck home. Gali! Of COURSE! Everyone knew that girls were suckers for cute things, and all Gali had to do was whistle, and Tahu would come running. Lewa finally turned his head towards Gali.

"Please, water-sister?"

Gali wavered. "Maybe, just a _little_ bit, Tahu?" Tahu looked over at her, and for a second he was about to comply. But then he steeled his resolve. "No."

Lewa puppy eyes collapsed into a depressed expression. Okay, maybe not full-proof. But maybe Kopaka would relate to his depressed? Nah, depressed people never sympathized with depressed people, otherwise they wouldn't be depressed!

Lewa walked up to the rock. Then Lewa thought of an idea. A wonderful, awful, evil, _sneaky _idea. Lewa pulled out his Kanohi Pakari and lifted up the huge rock with ease.

Tahu scowled. "Cheater. With the Mask of _Levitation _please."

Lewa's expression, which had had a happy smile on it, suddenly turned, once again, into a depressed one. Lewa lowered the rock, and put his Mask of Levitation on. He then forced the rock up using his mask.

Tahu sighed. "With your ARMS, Lewa, before I cut them off." The Fire Toa brandished his sword.

Lewa gulped again. He grabbed onto the rock firmly. Lewa grunted, and began to pick it up. It rose an inch off the ground. Then two inches. Then three.

"Oh. My. God." Said Takua. "Is he… LIFTING it? Without cheating or anything?" Tahu nodded, a confident smirk still plastered on his face. Lewa wouldn't be able to do it for long. He wasn't strong enough.

Lew lifted it a foot off of the ground. Then two feet. Then three. Lewa grew more confident with every centimeter the rock lifted. He was going to do it, then he'd show all of them, he was DEFINITLY stronger than Gali!

Then, Lewa's confidence left him. He realized that, in the spur of the moment, the adrenaline had taken over, and he'd been at least 3 times stronger. Now the adrenaline rush was disappearing fast.

Wait… uh oh! Lewa had to get his hands out before- "! MY HANDS, UUUUUUAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

The Toa Mata diverted their eyes as a sickening CRUNCH was heard. Onua activated hi mask and burst out of the ice and pulled Lew out from under the rock. "Lewa!" He exclaimed. "Are you alright?"

"NO!" Lewa shouted pack, rage and pain mixed into his voice. "A FRAGGIN' BOULDER JUST CRUSHED MY HANDS! AAAAAGGGGHHHH! And then you ask me if I'm ALRIGHT! GGGGAAAAHHHHH!"

"Pohatu!" cried Onua. "Take Lewa… to the… hospital… Oh. Right. Your, like, dead."

"Yeah." Pohatu said. "Thanks to YOU, you selfish son of a-"

"Language!"

"Jeez, Gali. I was only gonna' say son of a Kavinika. You're so DRAMATIC."

"GUYS! We kinda have the issue with my HANDS here!"

"Right!" said Tahu. "I'll take him." Tahu slung Lewa over his shoulder, but then stopped. "Uh… guys?" six heads turned towards him.

"What?"

"Where is the boulder?"

Suddenly the six Toa and Matoran turned toward Ga-Koro, where screams could be heard.

"Ah friggity frag, not this again. This exactly like with the giant Gukko!"

"What?"

"A chronicler sees strange things, Tahu. Don't ask."

The four able-bodied Toa ran toward the city.

Tahu reached the village first, and dropped Lew next to Macku, a Ga-Matoran. "Watch him." He ordered. Then he leapt heroically into the way off the boulder and fired an enormous stream of flames at it.

The rock slowed, but Tahu still had to lunged out of its' path. Then-cue light bulb- he thought of an idea. Tahu ran a good 30 feet in front of the boulder and gulped. "Here goes everything…" Tahu activated his Mask of Shielding, and watched the boulder crash into it.

But the force field stopped it, and Tahu deactivated his mask. He let go the breath he'd been holding. That was CLOSE. Tahu ran over to Lewa and slung him over his shoulder once again. "Well, thanks Macku." The Ga-Matoran squealed.

"He knows my name!" Tahu then turned and saw a mob of blue Matoran running towards him. "Oh, slag…" Tahu took off running to the clinic, all the while having to listen to Lewa sing.

"_And you can count on me, like 1,2,3, and I'll be there. _

_And I know when I need it I can call on you like, 4,3,2, and you'll be there._

_Cause that's what friends are supposed to do oh yeah._

_Oooooohhhh_

_Ooooohhhhh_

_Cause that's what friends are supposed to do oh yeah."_

X x X

And the second chapter is done! Well, I'm off to Chicago to see the Bulls-Nets game on Saturday, so peace! Oh, and the song is the chorus for _Count On Me _by Bruno Mars. Anyway, please review!


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